Chainbreaker Foundation

Make a Safety Plan for You and the Children

• If you are in danger, call the Women’s Shelter for Women and Children (801-377-5500).
• Are your children in danger?  Do they know who to call in an emergency or where to run for help?  Go to Child’s Safety Plan.

Keep Records

• Keep a journal of abuse. Use a spiral notebook or any bound book that pages cannot be inserted into, and write details.  Include dates and times. It can be used in court for evidence.  Keep it hidden.

Get Legal Help

• For information on finding legal help in Utah,  go to www.youtube.com/user/utahstatecourts. They have free information; listen to the film clip.
• Get temporary custody of the children. You can go to the Provo 4th District Court (125 North 100 West, Provo) on the 2nd and 4th Tuesday from 1 -3 p.m. and get free legal advice. Before going, go to www.ut.courts.gov and get the online documentation. Fill it out and take it with you.
• You can also go to Utah Legal Services (455 North University # 100, Provo) or call 801-374-2766. You will do a short intake interview and then talk to a legal person.  They have help for all kinds of legal problems. They will need your name, birth date, monthly income, how many people that income supports, your assets, race and gender.
• Ask friends for suggestions for lawyers if you can afford one.
• ChainBreaker volunteers may be able to help give suggestions.
• Do not represent yourself.
• You may also contact the victim’s advocate in your city for help. They cannot give you legal advice, but they have legal experience so they can give suggestions and steer you in the right direction.
• For help working with a lawyer, go to How to Choose a Lawyer.

Prepare Financially

• Get copies of tax forms, bank statements, paycheck stubs, and mortgages; put them in a safe place, probably not in the home.
• Put money aside to help you.
• Ask family if they can help in any way.
• Go to jobs.utah.gov to find information about food stamps, child care, medical and financial help. You can fill out the forms and take them with you for the interview.
• Community Action Food Bank for low income families (801-377-8200) can help with deposits and 1st month’s rent if you can prove you can take care of it after that. They have emergency car repair help, bus tokens, gasoline and household items. They also have free classes and seminars to help you become self-reliant and empowered. (Wed. 6-7:30 and Saturday 9-10:30 a.m.) Call before going.
• If you need help with rent, get on the Housing Authority List. The Housing Authority of Utah County is located at 240 E. Center, Provo, 801-373-8333. The Provo City Housing Authority is located at 650 W. 100 N, Provo, 801-852-7080.
• For utilities help, go to http://housing.utah.gov/seal.
• WIC can help you learn about nutrition and can provide healthy foods for you if you are pregnant or nursing and for your children that are under 5. Go to www.health.utah.gov/wic or call 1-877-wic-kids.
• Advocates may have access to emergency victim funds.
• If you need medical help, go to Mountainlands Family Health Center: 589 S. State, Provo, 801-429-2001, or 910 E. 100 N. Suite 151, Payson, 801-465-1891. You can also go to www.mountainlands.org

Work

• Get help from Job Workforce Services at jobs.utah.gov.
• LDS Employment Center has classes for interviewing, resumes and a lot of support.
• If you need clothing for work, ChainBreakers has some clothing you can see at the building Tuesday nights from 6 to 7 p.m. before class. UVU Turning Point Women’s Resource Center (801-863-8080) has clothing (801-863-7580 for appointment) and other classes you can take.

Get a Protective Order

• You can do this by calling the victim’s advocate in your city; they can help you and give you other advice.  Every city has an advocate; you can call the police station or the court house to find out who it is.  Advocates are not required to report anything except child abuse so it is easy to talk to them.
• Alpine- Kathy 801-368-7122
• American Fork- Dawna 801-763-3020
• Orem- RaNae 801-229-7128
• Pleasant Grove- Rochelle 801-404-6073

Get Counseling for You and your Children

• If you have insurance, check your provider list.
• Check with clergy.
• Call Family Support and Treatment Center (1255 North 1200 West, Orem) at 801-229-1181. You need to make an appointment for an intake interview. All services are charged according to your income. They have play therapy for the children and counseling for adults. They have babysitting while you get counseling. Children under 8 do well with play therapy. They have parenting classes also. They have a respite nursery, a place to drop off your children if you are in distress or can’t care for them. (This is a time to cool off instead of harming your children.)
• Advocates may be able to qualify you for Crime Victims Reparations, a state program that pays for therapy for you and your children.
• Call UVU Turning  Point at 801-863-8080. They have a Successful Life Management Class and a WISP Program to help with school if you decide you want to go to school.

Take Care of Yourself

• Read self-help books. For a list of recommended reading, go to Good Books. The Utah Domestic Violence Council Website, UVDC.org, has a list of books, too. They also have a free online course about domestic violence.
• Attend classes.
• Take time to enjoy your children.
• Take time to relax and have fun.

 

Brooke Wilkins (attorney):

When do you need a lawyer?

oLaw cannot heal, only provide measure of safety and security

oPray and listen for inspiration re: choosing a lawyer

oDivorce, children, property all call for a lawyer

oNever sign any legal docs. without them being reviewed by a lawyer

oDon’t need lawyer to get a protective order, but you might

1^st comes a temporary protective order to help in case of threat of harm for emergencies; can determine temporary custody, can restrict a person from coming to your house

A protective order is for when you are living with someone; restraining order is for any other situation

There are filing fees with the court.

Every police dept. has a victim advocate and for free will help you fill out papers. I am the petitioner if I am the person filing the forms.

How do you find a lawyer?

oGo to Utah Bar website and use their referral service (info on length of practice, their locations, etc.) maybe not anymore

oTalk to people for referrals especially; draw from a network of people; pray for inspiration

oIs it true that the better the lawyer, the more you’ll pay generally, YES; still, the advice is to talk to people

oTalk about money and fees right up front

How will I pay you, how do you charge, what’s your retainer, what’s your rate, how will you bill me and what will you bill me for; do you have a paralegal that can do work at a reduced rate? Etc. etc.

oMontgomery is a rating system that can also be looked at (peer-rated)

oMost attorneys shouldn’t charge for an initial consultation; ask them and they’ll tell you

When you are with a lawyer and working with them:

oBe succinct and organized

oStick to the facts; lawyers are not good counselors and deal best with facts

oBring a friend; they can help you stay focused and stick to facts and also process what you hear (it may not be what you want to hear)

oBe honest

oKeep a journal so you can document (considered as court evidence); avoids the “he said, she said” situation; don’t let him know about the journal (guard it and keep it private); email journals are good because they automatically log date and time

oWhat’s the best way to keep track of child support? ORS (Office of Recovery Services keeps track); deposit check in separate account, keep copies of check; what if they hand cash? Request money orders rather than checks and cash

oThere are 2 kinds of custody, legal and physical

Physical means you have the kids and are day to day raising them

Legal custody is about big global decisions and legal responsibility

When journaling, include activities and whereabouts of children all the time (to protect them)

If you don’t want his girlfriend in your child’s life, yet you still want child support, hope his name isn’t on the birth certificate; 12-year-olds cannot decide whom they will live with (at age 16 they can); get written agreement through a mediator to modify the court order if there’s ever abuse that can be proven

Mediation is less costly and will come up with more amenable decisions

Courts make the decision on legal emancipation (re: children petitioning before age 18; there’s usually another support system in the child’s life)

There’s a difference between physical residency and legal custody also; statutes determine visitation according to standardizedrules; go to mediation beforehand to work out something that works best for you

Termination of parental rights: he has to be served properly with notice; if he can’t be reached, public notice can be considered as proper service

Can we use a Bishop’s evaluation as evidence? YES, although it may not carry as much weight as you hope; round up letters of evaluation and testimony as quickly as you can

If father’s income goes down, how would he change the amount of child support to be paid? (Use ORS) Most orders take into account that incomes change; must do a court order; child support must be paid on children until age 18–no difference between men and women

A protective order can provide rules about child support; if you start divorce proceedings when he is in prison, he can be served for sure

How do you pay a lawyer?

oNo matter what, you will be paying your lawyer, no such thing as a contingency fee; likely flat rates for simple straight forward situations; most family law is not simple and straight forward

oRetainers are the rule and after it is exhausted, you’ll be billed

oIf you fire your attorney, any money that hasn’t been used, is returned to you; contact the Bar Association if this isn’t the case for you

oOnce the retainer is used up, refresh your retainer (pay him again, perhaps the same amount or less, but keep putting it in); your relationship will be helped a LOT if you keep your fees paid up

oIf you can’t respect your lawyer, the judges don’t respect them, so get another one; always have your attorney that they put things in writing

oJoan advises we look the attorney in the eye and ask him if he has time to do the job well (see the book The Smart Divorce); sign a written fee agreement once you decide whom you will hire, read it carefully

oLawyers are risk-averse people; how do we know attorneys are doing their job? They usually only use the information you give them (there are services you can pay to check accounts); how do you track an ex’s income goes up (ORS every three years will do a re-evaluation to adjust child support, work with them)

oIRAs are part of the divorce agreement (along with all other equitable divisions); courts decide the division of assets, so you keep track ofall financial records; there is a “discovery” process that helps during divorce proceedings; it can be expensive, but that is how you get financial information

Custody Evaluator is not a lawyer, but a therapist, social worker, counselor and they provide information for the court that is used by the judge to determine custody and they rely heavily on it; their info carries HUGE weight

Guardian Ad Litem talks with children, is a children’s lawyer and represents the children’s interests in court; sometimes they charge and the charge can be shared

Special master is given power to make decisions that deals with the nitty gritty orders of the court regarding children and you have to go to the court to get it changed; court will appoint one (attorney will help you find one ); judge relies HEAVILY on the Special Master’s opinion and report (not always attorneys), just for children’s issues

(Taken from UDVC Live Basic DV Training, Family Dynamics)

When people are fighting remember to be SAFE:

1. Stay out of the fight
2. Ask for help
3. Find an adult who will help you
4. Everyone knows it is not your fault

What can I do to be safe?

Where can I go to be safe?

These are the safe exits from my house:

Who are my safe people I can talk to about my problem?

Practice calling 911 . . .

My name is ________________.

I am ____ years old.

I need help. Someone is hurting my mom.

I live at __________________________.

The phone number here is __________________.

 

Some Tips for Keeping Kids Safe

 

By Lisa W. Shepherd

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I have thought a lot about what could have perhaps been done to prevent what happened to me and also what might have helped me tell someone sooner. My abuse happened when I was quite young, but I never talked about it until I was 23. My older brother was also sexually abused at a young age. At age 25, he took his own life. It wasn’t until after he had died that we discovered he had been abused. My mom was also a victim of childhood sexual abuse but didn’t speak about it until her 50s. From looking back on my own experience, my family’s experiences, and hearing others’ experiences, I think I’ve learned some things that could hopefully prevent this from happening to other children and also help those children who have been abused be able to tell.

1. The number one thing you can do to help your children and any other children you know is to BE AWARE. Abuse does happen! I am surprised at how many people think that sexual abuse is a rare thing. Unfortunately, it is very common, even in Utah. The first step to preventing sexual abuse is to be aware of the problem. Denying its existence will only keep you from seeing the warning signs and also keep you from trying to protect your children.

2. KNOW WHERE YOUR KIDS ARE. Teach your kids to tell you where they’re going, who they’re with, and what they’ll be doing. Make sure there is responsible adult supervision and that they’re participating in appropriate activities. This may seem like an obvious thing to do, but it needs to be pointed out. Children are getting into pornography at younger and younger ages, which can lead to sexual abuse. Be aware of what shows they’re watching on TV and what they’re doing on the internet. Don’t allow them to go into chat rooms, as there are many perpetrators waiting there to catch your kids. Be careful of cell phones. Kids are using them to pass pornographic pictures and messages. Be careful of friends they have. Beware of sleepovers. When I was young, I had many fun sleepovers where nothing bad happened, but I have heard many horror stories of inappropriate activities at sleepovers. Use caution when considering allowing your child to sleep somewhere else.

3. Don’t allow kids to be alone with an adult you don’t know well and trust. And TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If you have a bad feeling about someone, don’t allow your child to be alone with that person. This is not judging that person; it’s protecting your child. If you have a bad feeling about your child going somewhere, don’t allow them to go. It’s always better to be safe than sorry in that kind of situation. Don’t be afraid of offending someone or of upsetting your child by not letting them go somewhere. Their safety should always come first.

4. TALK TO YOUR KIDS. Know what’s going on in their lives. Are they happy? Is something bothering them? Do they enjoy school? Do they have good friends? Be involved in their lives. The closer you are to them, the easier it will be for you to catch signals of anything that’s not right.

5. EDUCATE YOUR KIDS. They need to know what sexual abuse is, what is appropriate and what is not. There are a couple of great children’s books that can help with this. They are Your Body Belongs to You by Cornelia Spelman and The Right Touch by Sandy Kleven, LCSW. Read through the books first yourself before reading them to your children. You know your child’s maturity level and can judge what they’re ready to hear about. But even at a very young age, you can teach them what appropriate and inappropriate behavior is.

6. TEACH YOUR KIDS TO RESPECT OTHERS. Never tell a child they are a “wuss” or a “wimp,” even jokingly. Do not degrade them in any way, or allow them to degrade siblings or friends. Children need to be built up. Perpetrators pick children with low self-esteem, and it is those with low self-esteem who are unlikely to tell. They feel they deserve to be treated badly, and that it is their fault. If a child is being told he or she is a “wuss” or a “wimp,” they are not going to want to tell you someone has been hurting them out of fear you will think they are weak. Be careful about how you treat your children. By treating them respectfully, they will learn they deserve to be treated respectfully and also treat others with respect.

7. This is extremely important, not only in preventing abuse, but also in getting your child to talk about abuse if it has happened. Many people will tell you that your kids need to be able to trust you, that if you have a trusting relationship with your child, they will be able to tell you if they are ever sexually abused. This is not true. Yes, it is important to have a good relationship with your child and for them to be able to trust you, but as I have looked back at my own experience, I have realized that didn’t work for me. I always had a good relationship with my mom–I talked to her about nearly anything–anything but my abuse. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust her. It was because I was terrified of my abusers and their threats, but it was also because I had never heard anyone in my family talk about sexual abuse. I’m sure I had heard of it, but I didn’t know it was common, and I didn’t know any specific person who it had happened to.

It wasn’t until after my mom told us about her own childhood sexual abuse that I felt safe enough to talk about my own. When I saw her come forward, I not only saw her relief, but I also saw the support of my immediate family. They believed her and were kind to her. That was what made the difference for me. There is little doubt in my mind that my brother, like many victims, felt very alone in his struggle, that he felt like he was the only one that that kind of thing happened to. If a child believes they are the only one something like that happens to, they are not going to be very likely to talk about it with anyone. I suggest talking to your kids about sexual abuse, not only as to what it is, but also talk about supporting those who have been abused. Just as you need to be aware of abuse and any other potential dangers to your children, they also need to be aware. If there’s a story on the news about a child who was sexually abused, talk about it with your kids. If you know someone personally who has been abused, it might be a good idea to have that person talk to your kids about it a little bit, if the kids are comfortable with that person. Of course, it’s not necessary to give any specifics or details, but it can be helpful to talk about it in simple language they can understand. Ask them if they have questions. BE OPEN ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE.

8. ASK QUESTIONS. Ask your child if anyone has ever touched them in a way that has made them feel uncomfortable. Let them know that if someone does do that to them, they should come tell you immediately.

9. TELL THEM IT’S OKAY TO SAY NO. Children are often intimidated by adults and older children. Tell them it’s okay to say no if someone is trying to get them to do something that makes them uncomfortable. Also, let them know that they do not need to hug or kiss anyone, even family members, if it makes them feel uncomfortable. Don’t force physical affection on them.

10. BE PATIENT. You need to realize that perpetrators threaten their victims. They may say they will kill them or a family member or a pet if they tell. Perpetrators will come up with anything to get a child to stay quiet. If you suspect your child may have been abused, but they refuse to talk about it, be patient. Watch the child and their activities closely. Reassure them that it’s okay to tell you anything, even if someone has threatened them. DON’T ask leading questions, like, “Did so-and-so do something to you?”

11. HELP YOUR KIDS FIND WAYS TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES. Children need outlets for their emotions. Teach them that all emotions are okay; it’s how we handle those emotions that can sometimes cause problems. Let them try out new things. Drawing and writing are great ways to express emotions, but help them find anything they like that can help them express themselves. It’s important in helping them learn how to communicate their feelings. If they draw a picture, ask them about the picture. Have them tell you about the sky in the picture or the little girl. It can get them talking. Don’t over analyze, but be aware of patterns that may develop. Feelings that are bottled up will be expressed eventually. It’s important to find a healthy outlet to prevent destructive behavior to themselves or others.

12. Last, if your child comes to you and says someone has sexually abused them, BELIEVE THEM! It is extremely rare for a child to lie about sexual abuse. Thank them for telling you; reassure them that they did the right thing in telling you. Do not immediately talk about what you’re going to do to the perpetrator. It may take time for them to even tell you who did it, but be careful about showing your anger. It may frighten your child. Also, be aware that it is very unlikely for a perpetrator to admit to abuse. Don’t let that keep you from believing your child. Most of all, listen to them, support them, cry with them, and love them.