May 14th–Jennifer James–therapist–Evening with a Therapist. (Bring your questions.)
She wrote the book Latter-day Divorce and Beyond.
Characteristics of a healthy relationship:
trust, respect, honest, communication, equality, empathy, charity, laughter, friendship, loyalty, security, boundaries (we need to set boundaries to be respected), balance, mutuality, humble, forgive, repentance
controlling, manipulative, co-dependent, exploitation, takers, pride, selfishness, addiction
The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein is a book that was suggested by a class member.
We need to listen to our gut about people.
3 kinds of relationships –
Independent – live parallel lives
Interdependent- healthy – playing game
Co-dependent – big them and little you- wrestling for power and control
Humility – taught- learn to grow – apply
Red flags – your partner is
monitors your movements
doesn’t like any of your friends and criticizes your family
is controlling, possessive, bossy
calls frequently to check on what you’re doing
acts as if any attention you give to another person is flirting
sulks when things don’t go their way/seems selfish or insecure
ignores things that are important to you
talks louder and louder until he/she gets your undivided attention
makes you stop what you are doing to listen to him or her
makes all the rules – no flexibility
says, “If you did it my way, I wouldn’t get so mad.”
makes frequent accusations, but won’t admit when he/she is wrong
tells you how to dress/what kind of clothes to wear
criticizes you frequently
demands to know your personal passwords to computer-accessed files, emails, accounts
Will try to shame you in public to strangers and friends
will manipulate you into choices that keep you “bound to them” (put you in debt, try to make you buy them expensive material goods, threaten you with private information that you’ve confided in them, get you to co-sign on a loan or purchase)
May 7th–Jonathan Sherman–LMFT–”How to Not Attract and Marry the Same Personality.”
April 30th–Randy Steadman and Peggy Matheson.
April 23rd–Dr. John Lund–therapist and author of How to Hug a Porcupine–Dealing with Toxic Personalities.
What is a toxic person? Someone you cannot please.
Love is: acceptance, affection, and appreciation.
Don’t believe words; believe actions.
Trust: they are where they say they are, and they are doing what they say they are doing. Words and behavior are the same.
We need to learn to set up boundaries; women that have been abused have a hard time putting up boundaries.
We need people in our life who say, “I am going to help you become your highest and best self.”
You cannot please the toxic person. Let go of the expectation that you are going to please them.
I am going to please myself and God. I will report to them.
You have to define new boundaries.
When you stay in an abusive situation, you are teaching your children that it is okay and acceptable for them to continue to accept and be in an abusive situation. You can change generations by taking control and changing you.
We have to learn to define what is enough.
Let go of changing others; you can only change yourself.
Stop criticizing others—try a day at a time and then add to it.
Write down your frustrations and criticizing, instead of saying them.
We need to define what kind of person we want to be and set some boundaries. If someone is abusing you, leave. Ask them to write down their criticizing.
Love yourself enough that you will become your highest and best self even if others don’t want you to be. There is great power in your personal example. There are people that need your love.
April 16th–Darren Johanson–therapist–No More Jerks or Jerketts.
Strongermarriage.org Click on Dating for tips.
You can sign up for a two-night class there. Dinner and materials are all provided.
Must be single and 18 or older. It’s designed to build healthy relationships.
Jerks are people who resist change.
“Happy is the person who knows what to remember of the past, what to enjoy in the present, and what to plan for in the future.” –Arnold Glasgow
Know what you want – if you don’t know what you want, you won’t get it
Ask specifically for what you want
Risk – sometimes we are afraid to risk
Google Paul Potts +bgt to have a fun time, watch audition, semi-final and final.
“To every man there comes in his lifetime that special moment when he is figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered a chance to do a very special thing, unique to him and fitted to his talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds him unprepared or unqualified for the work which would be his finest hour.” –Sir Winston Churchill
“We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” –Maryanne Williamson
The value of our experience is priceless. The value of our failures are great. They bring us to new places.
Stop believing you are a failure.
How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp – Book is available on Amazon.com or LoveThinks.com.
There are pacesetters and pushers. Who are your pacesetters—who do you look to for guidance? There is a myth that we can do things by ourselves. Wrong, we need others. The most successful people have coaches and mentors.
Set goals, write them down, and focus. When performance is measured, performance improves; when performance is measured and reported, the rate accelerates.
Start today and write your story.
April 9th–Steven and Rhyll Croshaw–SALifeline Foundation–Healing from Your Partner’s Sex Addiction.
A relationship damaged by pornography and sexual addiction creates symptoms of PTSD and trauma in spouses.
Rhyll Croshaw wrote the book What Can I Do About Me?, available at Deseret Book.
She said she learned if she based any decision on fear it was the wrong decision.
She reminded herself often:
I am powerless over my loved one’s addiction.
I didn’t cause it and I can’t fix it.
I must be honest about my own emotions and needs.
I must exhibit courage to change the things I can change.
She found out later that when she tried to fix it for her husband, he resented it. It was his journey, and he needed to fix it.
On their website www.salifeline.org, you can watch informative videos, download free e-books, and review helpful articles. Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addictions can be purchased at Deseret Book, or you can get a free download at their site.
Her surrender process when she was feeling crazy or angry:
Go to my knees
Go to the phone (talk to sponsor)
In the box – she had a surrender box that she would write down her struggles and then put the paper in the box. She would write “I surrender___________ (fear, anger, husband)” on the paper, and then after putting it in the box, she would walk away.
I- something I do for me
O– something I did for others
U– unexpressed emotion
Y– ya ya of the day
April 2nd–Shawna Draper–author of My Tears Fall Inside–My Silent Cries.
Goal is to get everyone feeling hope that things can get better.
A teacher mentioned in a class that if you have been abused, the symptoms and triggers will not go away—they just get worse until you deal with it.
Books written by Shauna: My Tears Fall Inside and Hear My Cry, Writings from My Soul (book of her poetry). They are available from Amazon.com or through her website: ShawnaDraper.com.
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”–John 8:32
When something traumatic happens to small children, they don’t remember it.
No matter how hard your life is, you can heal from it.
You can heal.
When normal people lose a loved one and have healed from it, they will still feel sad on occasion.
People who have been abused can heal. On occasion, they will have some hard times, but they can deal with the struggle and move on. You can’t ignore it—you have to deal with it.
Women that reached out to her really made a difference in her life. You need to figure out who can be there for you and accept that some can’t help you.
Forgiveness—you can’t forgive until you find out who you need to forgive, and you can’t forgive until you go through the anger. Forgiveness is such an arbitrary term. When you think of forgiveness, think of withholding judgment. You don’t know what happened to them so you can’t judge them.
We need to write to express ourselves, and we need to have a relationship with God. The relationship with God has to be honest.
Don’t waste your time spending time on vindication to those that abused you.
We can all reach out and help someone that needs help.
God loves you where you are.
March 26th–Liz Lemon Swindle–famous Christian artist.
“There is something of divinity within each of you. You have such tremendous potential with that quality as a part of your inherited nature. Every one of you was endowed by your Father in Heaven with a tremendous capacity to do good in the world. Train your minds and your hands that you may be equipped to serve well in the society of which you are a part. Cultivate the art of being kind, of being thoughtful, of being helpful. Refine within you the quality of mercy which comes as a part of the divine attributes you have inherited.” –Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley, “The Light Within You,” April 1995 General Conference
“I am one of his witnesses, and in a coming day I shall feel the nail marks in his hands and in his feet and shall wet his feet with my tears.
“But I shall not know any better then than I know now that he is God’s Almighty Son, that he is our Savior and Redeemer, and that salvation comes in and through his atoning blood and in no other way.
“God grant that all of us may walk in the light as God our Father is in the light so that, according to the promises, the blood of Jesus Christ his Son will cleanse us from all sin.” –Bruce R. McConkie, “The Purifying Power of Gethsemane,” April 1985 General Conference
She recommends the movie My Name is Khan.
Find more about Liz and her art at lizlemonswindle.org.
March 19th–Miles Holman–attorney–Understanding Abuse and the Legal System.
March 12th–Craig Judd–President of Utah Valley Financial Counselors–You Have the Power to be Financially Secure.
You have the power to be financially secure.
Create a financial book (peace of mind book) to leave for your family to help them when you have passed on. Include insurance and financial information. You can use a loose-leaf and dividers.
We need to figure out how to live now and how to have money to live in retirement.
Double check your annual statement. Is it accurate or missing any years? Can it be improved?
Apply at optimal time.
The longer you wait, the more you get.
Coordinate Spousal Benefits
You can get ½ of spouse’s benefit if it is more than yours.
Health Savings Account – tax free and has many benefits.
Call Jules at 801-225-5555 for information.
March 5th–Jonathan Sherman–LMFT–Co-parenting.
February 26th–Mike Cheney–Persogenics–What Happens When Different Personality Styles Marry.
February 19th–People Helping People and Astrid Allred–Climbing Out.
People Helping People is an organization that helps single women find jobs or improve their job situation. The program has been in Salt Lake County for 17 years; in September, they started in Utah County. They meet every Wednesday from 6-8 p.m. at 723 S. 1200 W. Orem (located on the northwest edge of the UVU campus). You can call 1-855-303-5300 for more information. They teach everything from the employer’s standpoint. They teach workshops that will help improve your situation. After attending workshops, you are assigned a coach to help you to succeed. They teach you the tools you need to succeed. If you are looking for a job, you need to get connected to LinkedIn. A full mentoring program is provided. They partner with employers and have meet and greets so you can meet employers. They teach you how to choose a company that you can progress in.
Astrid – Climbing Out
She told her story of getting out of an abusive situation.
Large doors swing on small hinges.
Marriage takes 2 to make it work; it is like rowing a boat, and if only one works, you just go in circles.
She attended an outlook development program in Sandy, Utah and started attending an addiction recovery program. She started working with a counselor and did other self-help programs to get the strength to leave.
She began saving money and making financial plans. She slowly took things out of the house to friends’ houses for 8 weeks prior to leaving. She purchased a phone for her. When she was ready, she left with the help of her friends.
In a few weeks, she will return to teach us what to expect when leaving an abusive situation.
February 12th–Jules and Michael–Moving On.
Was in law enforcement for 25 years
Abraham Lincoln was a victim of domestic violence.
Michael lived in a home with domestic violence. He said we don’t leave–we escape. It is not healthy for children to be in these situations.
Live for tomorrow. Thank God that you are able to stand up and live.
Grew up in a home where her mother had been sexually abused as a child. She became very controlling. She controlled her dad. Jules decided that she would be very obedient to her husband, not realizing that she was being a doormat. She learned that there is a lot of non-physical abuse that can happen.
Different kinds of abuse
Financially – had to turn in all her receipts, didn’t believe in spending money for anything, including home repairs.
Emotional abuse – To the outside world, they look like great people, but when they’re at home they are totally different. They look so wonderful to others. When your children are not safe in their home, it is not good.
Neglect – wouldn’t give any gifts for any holidays. Not valued as a person.
Sometimes we think abuse is physical only and don’t realize we are being abused.
Her counselor gave her the book Confronting Abuse that changed her life. She realized she was being abused.
She had to realize it was not good for her children to be in that kind of a place. It has been six years of peace since she got divorced. It would have been easier if her ex had tried to make it work; that would have been best, but that didn’t happen.
She had a gifted mediator that helped her get her divorce.
Many things have helped her recover:
Taught me to question everything
We are in the perfect place at the perfect time.
My best is always good enough.
I am the queen of abundance.
When we change core things, everything has to change.
She has kept a “Book of Miracles”, and at the end of the year, she reads her miracle journal for the past year.
God has healed and blessed her.
Journey of healing of trusting
How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk was a great book to help her to not marry a jerk.
Went to dances and firesides
She dated 59 men and kept records of the experiences.
Quit dating and is focusing on her children
Have to have boundaries and rules
February 5th–Susan Griffiths–Timpanogos Legal Center; Anna Attwood–How Mediation Works.
Timpanogos Legal Center
Family Justice Center
Every Tuesday between 5-8 p.m. Unless it falls on a holiday
Health and Justice Building 151 University Ave. Provo
It is free. It is for advice only and to help you know what you need to do. They can tell you about available services Best place to start for information. Walk-ins are welcome.
Food and Care Coalition 299 E. 900 South Provo
Must be low income. Call Debi 801-374-6766 ext 3523.
This is a per-screened service, can help you prepare documents.
They are usually helping 1 or 2 times a month.
Very limited service. Cases need to be resolved fairly quickly and easily. To be screened, call Debi 801-374-6766 ext 3523.
They are always looking for more volunteers and resources.
Anna Atwood- Family Mediator
It is confidential; records are not kept.
You can go for mediation to settle family problems besides divorce.
Have control of your life and your future.
Compliance- two parties agree and it if fully conformable in the law
Mediation can be used for many things.
Come out on own will and can leave on own will
If there is a restraining order, you can do mediation if it is marked on the order. It can be done on the phone or in separate rooms.
Mediation is a lot less stressful.
January 22nd–Suzanne Dastrup–therapist.
January 15th–Elsabeth Green–Evergreen Counseling Center.
The Green House Center for Growth and Learning: 801-785-1169
The organization helps with all kinds of trauma and helps with relationships.
Invisibility is the most painful experience people can have.
Insecurities in our lives create relationship problems.
Understanding our own relationship patterns:
Attachment is the reciprocal bond between two people in a relationship.
Feeling safe with a group requires three things:
Safety–No one is going to look down on me.
Belonging–I will be looked for and acknowledged.
Esteem–I will be valued, noticed, and forgiven. I will be looked up to.
Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford is a great book.
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson is good book.
Brene Brown’s books on vulnerability are great.
Everyone is worthy of love.
4 tips on becoming secure:
Be a secure base and a safe haven for each other.
Be available for each other.
Don’t interfere with each other’s growth.
Secure your relationships.
If you’d like a copy of the presentation, e-mail Elsebeth@greenhousecenter.org.
January 8th–Diane Peterson–therapist–Depression and Anxiety.
Symptoms of depression- sadness, discouragement, low self-esteem, irritability, guilt, feeling inferior, comparing to others, lack of interest or motivation in life, sleep or appetite changes. Some people describe it as being in a deep pit that feels very dark. Isolation is usually from deep depression.
Causes of depression
Biological – genetics, family history, illnesses, hormonal fluctuations
Psychological – Low self-esteem, negative thinking, perfectionism, loss (death and depression, trauma)
Social – Marriage, family, work, friends, financial pressures, church, life transitions
Spiritual – unresolved sin, inability to find meaning in life
1 in 4 women and 1 in 8 men get depression.
Symptoms of anxiety- frequent worry, restless, highly-stressed, easily fatigued, muscle tension, headaches, nausea, nervous stomach, high blood pressure, difficulty concentrating.
Common characteristics of anxious people – responsible, conscientious, worrier, perfectionist, have to do it all.
Coping with depression and anxiety
1. Take care of yourself – sunshine, exercise, good diet, sleep.
If you can get 180 minutes of exercise a week, it will reduce depression by 47%.
2. Live the examined life – look at all you are doing and see what you can get rid of.
De-clutter, get rid of 1 thing every day. Simplify. Learn to say no. Don’t over schedule
yourself. Don’t compare yourself. Examine your relationship, is it toxic?
3. Change negative thinking–learn to recognize negative thoughts and create a new script.
Talk back to negative thoughts.
4. Look for opportunities to be grateful and serve others. Research shows: Grateful people are happier, more satisfied with their lives, and feel more physically healthy. Service increases life satisfaction as we stop focusing on ourselves and find more meaning in life.
5. Make room in our life for people and things that renew your soul.
6. Our spirits need constant nourishment. Whatever frees your spirit, do.
Consider medication if you have severe depression.
We have power to choose our thoughts, our attitudes, and essentially, our happiness.